Fleeting late night thoughts

Midnight comes, life slows down, and the mind ramps up. A weird thing happens deep in your mind; you feel a sense of lostness and euphoria without the consumption of alcohol. You grow numb, and your emotions start to boil and mix into this weird soup of anguish, anxiety, happiness, and sadness.

What am I doing with my life? Am I on the right path? You question yourself more than you should. Yet you keep pushing through, doing the things you think you love and care for. Practicing and reading, polishing your skills with that pesky voice in the back of your head telling you that you aren’t smart enough… you can’t do this. You are just a poser. Give up. Why try so hard when the world seems to be going against you?

Were my choices the correct ones to take? Am I being too sensitive about this? Let go of your emotions, be stoic, and do what you must. No one cares about your problems. Is it really me telling myself this? Or is the world and my environment dictating how I should feel and what I should do?

I have so many things to worry about, but as I go deeper into the night, insomnia starts to kick in. I blast music into my headphones, trying to lose myself in a blank space. Away from my own thoughts… this weird emptiness feeling embracing me, somewhat like a comforting hug. Am I capable of pulling myself out of this dark place I am in?

I should be… right? I have done this before… but why is it still so fucking hard?

During the day I smile, joke around, and take care of what needs to be done as if nothing happened the night before. Is it the fact that I tire myself to sleep? Then wake up with my mind resetting yet again, like the many nights beforehand? I wonder if this happens to a lot of people or if I am just an overthinker. Sometimes during the day, I feel like the world is mine for the taking. I psyche myself up at times without knowing. Endless possibilities… yet at night my intrusive thoughts come and take over. Reminding me of how hard life can be. Is this why I become active at night? Is this why I do some of my best work at night? To keep my mind busy and not overthink? Is this a blessing or a curse? Am I being overdramatic here? Anyone in their right mind reading this would surely think so. Certainly, no one would talk about this in person or aloud with anyone. These are just fleeting thoughts written down in some random part of the internet where no one can find them.

All it would merit would be disgust, cringe, and ridicule. It’s not as if this is a prolonged feeling. It comes and goes, a night can have many twists and turns, but lately, it seems to take more of a twist to the darker side of my thoughts than it has in a while. As time passes and things change for better or worse, I’m sure these thoughts will shift. All I can do now is write them down as a reminder for when I can look back and think: wow, that was a really shitty time, huh? The past is the past, and tomorrow when I wake up, I will have shed this feeling I have right now. Let’s feel and move on.